decisions, decisions.

so my week has been a bit mad- i applied for that job, interviewed the next day, was offered the job on the spot (i should say internship, really) and then spent the weekend and monday wondering what the heck i was going to do. yesterday, when i called to say that i wasn't going to take the job (mainly because of time commitment) they said that they "were really impressed with my application" (read: you are a self-suficient adult with a work permit, not a whiny college kid who can't find an apartment in Lausanne) and said that if i wanted to work part time something could be worked out.  


that really threw me for a loop, because if time was really my biggest issue, then wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to work a little and still be able to travel, etc.? well, i really stressed about it. there was something about coming here this year without the intention of working that i felt so cheated when someone asked me to work full time. (it didn't help that it paid less than $10/hr...) but it wasn't that easy and i realized that there was something holding me back.


today i spent some time writing down my thoughts on taking the job vs. not taking the job (and then committing to some sort of research project). it came down to two main issues which was sort of interesting to see. last night while discussing the issue with Howie i was very emotional and not able to think clearly, running my brain in circles, not knowing what to do. but just writing everything down the most important points really jumped out at me.


they were: 


1. at some point, if i want to be an architect, i'm going to have to do some more grunt work. unpleasant, low paying, sometimes boring, internship type of work. i could take the job and get maybe 4-6 months of work experience now, or put it off until January when we'll be moving again. being a bit patient is ok and at this point (not even a) year won't really make a difference.


2. i've been going through a lot adjusting to life here. although the grocery shopping, laundry and daily life are actually quite easy for me, the other parts like making new friends and deciding what to do with my time have been difficult. i'm an introverted person and always thought i liked being alone, but now i've really had to be alone for a lot of time without work or anything to distract me. i've suddenly had to face myself and my past decisions that i've somehow managed to hide while being busy with school or moving or traveling... like the decision to change careers that started about 4-5 years ago. or the idea of taking a year off of traditional work while i'm here to do some "research," and even seeing how i interact with new people and new situations.


so looking at these two points, i realized that i am quite unstable at the moment, having begun this process of reflection, and taking the time this year to focus on myself will allow me to start work next year with confidence and a fresh outlook on my career and myself.  and i think that taking some time to do the research that i originally proposed will let me produce something that will help me define my interests more, rather than working on something more generic at a firm.


also, looking at the firm again, i realized that it is not the ideal place for me to work while i'm here. i was very uncomfortable with one of the men who interviewed me as he tried to convince me that excessive teasing & joking is "french culture" and i would need to get used to it in order to work in their office. ("its not like this thing you have in the U.S.- harassment?")  at this point in my life i should know better than to even consider a job where someone has tried to downplay harassment in the interview!


i called them today and told them my decision not to accept. i feel great, after a few days of agony.  

but what are YOU going to do there??

o work or not to work. this is a question that has puzzled me for months. ever since Howie was accepted to IMD I knew that I would come along for the chance to live in Switzerland for the year and to help him through school. and every time we told anyone we were moving, they would ask, "so alison, what are YOU going to do there??" as if cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, paying bills, etc. was not enough to keep me busy. (its really not...) I had so many ideas but I really didn't know what to do- get an internship? do an architecture competition? independent research project??


one night during dinner at the Markowitz household, sometime in December, I got to hear three different versions of what my family members were telling everyone that I'd be doing in Lausanne. I don't remember the details, but what I do know is that my plan was to "figure it out when I get there." 


well, I'm here now and I still haven't figured it out. I posted earlier about the partner group as both a huge emotional support and means to keep busy and active, but also it is lacking some of the mental stimulation of school or a job. I am now afraid that I will lose touch with the architecture world if I don't make an effort to get involved in some sort of work or project. I also have decreasing motivation as I continue to be lost in the decision process, the guilt of taking more "time off" and not knowing where to start. 


yesterday, after returning home from an unproductive french class (following an unproductive day,) i sat down to sort through everything i want to do this year in the hopes of making a plan and focusing on some specific goals. even that was discouraging- i ended up with a list of "things i like to do." ha. luckily my husband is waaay better at all of this, and he happened to be home studying and offered me some help. he talked me through organizing my "things i like to do" into three categories: career, hobbies & personal development. I now have some short term goals for each (~3 months out) and lists of things for each that tell me both why I should do it and what problems can I avoid by doing it. 


I'm not going into the nitty gritty of my new goals (mostly because my parents would surely be emailing me every day to check in on my progress) but I have decided a few things that will help me to be more productive and cheery in the coming weeks:

1. I am not going to continue French classes for now- I realized that this afternoon commitment was breaking up my days and making it difficult to do anything else during the daytime. Also, not that beneficial as my speaking has not caught up with my grammar skills. Will practice on my own instead. (And save $$!)

2. I will continue to search for jobs. I found out that I can actually legally work (and be paid!) so why not pursue it? Just applied for an architecture position in Lausanne... we'll see.

3. Until I find a job, I will divide my time into those three categories: career, hobbies & personal development. Might as well take the opportunity to both have fun and to say that I accomplished something this year.

this blog has become a great way for me to tell all of you both about the great times I'm having in Lausanne, but also the tough times as well. if anything, I will have learned something about myself- even if none of you made it this far it still feels great to have written and posted. I hope you all enjoy the ride of this crazy year with me!

working on one of my goals: cooking
lots of new dishes. (crepes!)