so my week has been a bit mad- i applied for that job, interviewed the next day, was offered the job on the spot (i should say internship, really) and then spent the weekend and monday wondering what the heck i was going to do. yesterday, when i called to say that i wasn't going to take the job (mainly because of time commitment) they said that they "were really impressed with my application" (read: you are a self-suficient adult with a work permit, not a whiny college kid who can't find an apartment in Lausanne) and said that if i wanted to work part time something could be worked out.
that really threw me for a loop, because if time was really my biggest issue, then wouldn't this be the perfect opportunity to work a little and still be able to travel, etc.? well, i really stressed about it. there was something about coming here this year without the intention of working that i felt so cheated when someone asked me to work full time. (it didn't help that it paid less than $10/hr...) but it wasn't that easy and i realized that there was something holding me back.
today i spent some time writing down my thoughts on taking the job vs. not taking the job (and then committing to some sort of research project). it came down to two main issues which was sort of interesting to see. last night while discussing the issue with Howie i was very emotional and not able to think clearly, running my brain in circles, not knowing what to do. but just writing everything down the most important points really jumped out at me.
they were:
1. at some point, if i want to be an architect, i'm going to have to do some more grunt work. unpleasant, low paying, sometimes boring, internship type of work. i could take the job and get maybe 4-6 months of work experience now, or put it off until January when we'll be moving again. being a bit patient is ok and at this point (not even a) year won't really make a difference.
2. i've been going through a lot adjusting to life here. although the grocery shopping, laundry and daily life are actually quite easy for me, the other parts like making new friends and deciding what to do with my time have been difficult. i'm an introverted person and always thought i liked being alone, but now i've really had to be alone for a lot of time without work or anything to distract me. i've suddenly had to face myself and my past decisions that i've somehow managed to hide while being busy with school or moving or traveling... like the decision to change careers that started about 4-5 years ago. or the idea of taking a year off of traditional work while i'm here to do some "research," and even seeing how i interact with new people and new situations.
so looking at these two points, i realized that i am quite unstable at the moment, having begun this process of reflection, and taking the time this year to focus on myself will allow me to start work next year with confidence and a fresh outlook on my career and myself. and i think that taking some time to do the research that i originally proposed will let me produce something that will help me define my interests more, rather than working on something more generic at a firm.
also, looking at the firm again, i realized that it is not the ideal place for me to work while i'm here. i was very uncomfortable with one of the men who interviewed me as he tried to convince me that excessive teasing & joking is "french culture" and i would need to get used to it in order to work in their office. ("its not like this thing you have in the U.S.- harassment?") at this point in my life i should know better than to even consider a job where someone has tried to downplay harassment in the interview!
i called them today and told them my decision not to accept. i feel great, after a few days of agony.
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